Gendarme Atelier + Spa

I became a super-regular at the Gendarmerie in 2010, when I lived in West Hollywood, about a half-mile away. I immediately became such a fan(atic) that I would forego other items in my budget in order to supplement my massage and facial allowance every month. I ate in more. I drank out less. Day old bread. Retread tires. You get the idea. I was a hardcore fan and my want quickly became a dire knead. Get it? Wink, wink.

When I moved away, and was missing LA, half of that longing would be for a Gendarmerie visit. Unsurprisingly, when would inevitably travel to Los Angeles from San Francisco on business, usually twice a month, I'd make an appointment immediately following my Sunday meetings. Disloyal to a fault, I made certain to rotate which practitioners I would see on every trip, perhaps making me uniquely qualified to comment on pretty much the entire staff here. Except not 'pretty much' - I've literally had services from everyone on the staff here. Here's the deets:

Javier's massage technique works all of the stress out of my body every time. And I'm a guy that drove 7 hours for a meeting on a Sunday. I know about stress. Perfect balance between Swedish (relaxing) and Deep Tissue (therapeutic), that I've not experienced anywhere else. Goldilocks would've calmed her @$$ down and just enjoyed the first massage, that's what I'm saying. Perfectly balanced.

Kendon makes me so comfortable that I fall asleep during the massage. Which has literally happened to me zero times with any other therapist. I'm so relaxed that I start going cross-eyed like that little kid in the dentist video everyone loved.

Everardo's technical expertise second to none. It's 100% intuitive. You're thinking where you'd like him to go next, and he's there before you make the suggestion. His facials are literally world class, you just won't find a better aesthetician anywhere.

Juan has fixed people who have been let down by orthopedists, MDs, surgeons, chiropractors, and acupuncture. I don't think that they give honorary doctorates in any of those fields, but they should.

Chris has given me ten of the ten best haircuts of my life. He's charming, he's funny, he's a perfectionist, and he's half the price of some of these ridiculous Beverly Hills stylists.

This place is simply Zen hiding out in the heart of West Hollywood.

I became a regular at the Gendarmerie in 2010, the first time I lived in West Hollywood. I immediately became such a fan(atic) that when I would travel to Los Angeles on business, usually twice a month, I'd make an appointment immediately following my workshop. That said, I made certain to rotate who I would see on every trip, perhaps making me uniquely qualified to comment on pretty much the entire staff here.

Javier's technique works all of the stress out of my body every time. Perfect balance between Swedish (relaxing) and Deep Tissue (therapeutic).

Kendon makes me so comfortable that I fall asleep during the massage. Which has literally happened to me zero times with any other therapist.

Everardo's technical expertise second to none. It's 100% intuitive. You're thinking where you'd like him to go next, and he's there before you make the suggestion.

Juan has fixed people who have been let down by orthopedists, MDs, surgeons, chiropractors, and acupuncture. I don't think that they give honorary doctorates in any of those fields, but they should.

Chris has given me ten of the ten best haircuts of my life. He's charming, he's funny, he's a perfectionist, and he's half the price of some of these ridiculous Beverly Hills stylists.

Christian is their newest massage therapist, and I've heard such rave reviews about him that I can't wait to see for myself. In fact, maybe this Saturday.

So if you'd like a warm greeting, a complimentary lemon drop martini, and the opportunity to relieve all of your somatisized stress, maybe followed by a nap in the fresh air in the little outdoor lounge, reinvent your skin, get the best haircut you've ever had, and don't forget to grab a bottle of their signature scent on the way out the door so you feel, look, and smell the best you've ever smelled, you should probably book an appointment now. Or maybe two or three of them.

At this point, I think it's safe to say that I have effectively run the gambit when it comes to the full scope of services offered at this spa. If the IRS looked at my income and my receipts for this place for the past year, I'd be seriously risking an invasive audit, as it would seem suspect that anyone would spend 80% of their disposable income in one location... yet, I have the receipts to back it up... and zero regrets.

So in the spirit of our beloved Internal Revenue Service, I'm going to give a line-item justification of my expenses here: You watching, Agent Morales? Bite me.

Javier: His massage works all of the stresses out of my body. Every time. And I work 40 hours per week with Iraqi war veterans. With severe PTSD. And co-occuring methamphetamine abuse. Sometimes on the lock-down part of inpatient psych. 'Nuff said.

Kendon: I used to be able to say that I was never comfortable/relaxed enough to fall asleep during a massage. Used to.

Everardo: Technical expertise second to none. It's 100% intuitive. You're thinking where you'd like him to go next, and he's there before you make the suggestion. Miss Cleo has nothing on Everardo. Book WAY in advance, his dance card fills up early, every time.

Juan: You know in an action movie when an Alien death ray almost kills the hero... and his partner picks him up and grabs him, does something to him, and they sprint off of the battlefield together, like nothing is wrong? True story: Inspired by this man. I've seen Juan fix people who have been let down by orthopedists, MDs, surgeons, chiropractors, acupuncture. I myself am a work in progress, with Juan's treatments. I survived a six-hour drive in a sportscar (with a bad back) less than a day ago, all because of this man spending 25 minutes on me.

Chris: When is an expensive haircut an inexpensive haircut? When you get compliments all week afterwards. When you get a quick touch-up later that month before a big job interview. When there's a complimentary martini in your hand throughout the haircut.

Topper: Imagine if you went to a business and were greeted by the owner, at the end of a long day, with a hug and a complimentary martini... If you can think of anything better, I'll start going there, because I can't.

So if you'd like a warm greeting, a complimentary lemon drop martini, complimentary lunch (on weekends), and the opportunity to relieve all of your somatisized stress, maybe followed by a nap in the fresh air in the little outdoor lounge, reinvent your skin, get the best haircut you've ever had, and don't forget to grab a bottle of their signature scent on the way out the door so you feel, look, and smell the best you've ever been, you should probably book an appointment now. On a weeknight so you're not in my way, please.

If you think you deserve less, I'm sure there are lesser places. A city full of them, to be exact.

Oasis -noun 1. something serving as a refuge, relief, or pleasant change from what is usual, annoying, difficult, etc.

So let's talk about my definition of "usual, annoying, and difficult". You wake up to an alarm clock blasting you with 113dB of concentrated audible evil. Sleep inertia, that feeling of grogginess that hangs with you like a sober hangover, quickly makes its presence known. The low-flow showerhead drizzles you with tepid water reminiscent of people spitting on you, which is actually quite a relevant metaphor for what's waiting for you when you get to your crappy job. Fortunately it's only 3 miles away, so you should make it in an hour or two, unless there's an accident. And there's a good chance that there is an accident. The closest thing to good news in your day is that the air quality index suggests that most of the coworkers you detest so much won't be alive that much longer anyway. But then again, you breathe here too. Welcome to LA, my brothers and sisters.

So what would define a perfect oasis to me? You got it. The Gendarmerie. I met the owner through friends and somehow within a half hour he felt like the really hip worldly uncle that everyone in LA wants to have. You know, the one who would tell your parents to chill out and let you cut your hair or pierce your ears, it's not a big deal... but also tell you straight up when you're being a little asshat. Also, he gave me lemon drop martinis as a guest hanging out with a paying customer, which instantly made him the coolest business owner ever. I knew I had to go and be a customer as soon as the opportunity arose.

Today just felt like the day. It's been a really rough few months. While I don't tend to spend a lot on high-end spa treatments, about once a year you just NEED it. I called and made an appointment, he got me right in, I was there an hour later.

I opted for a $99 package that included a salt scrub, a massage, and a facial. Seemed the most bang for the buck, and I'm apparently that guy even in a gorgeous Beverly Hills adjacent spa. My blue collar roots showing, I suppose.

I was greeted warmly, as always. Sank into a soft brown leather lounge chair until my appointment, was offered (and accepted) a glass of wine. Everardo came to retrieve me in a bit and I did the salt scrub first. Best one I've had. Perfect balance of aggressive enough to be useful and gentle enough that I was comfortable. Rinsed off and my skin LITERALLY felt the best it ever has, in life.

Then the massage. Ditto everything positive about the scrub. Strong enough, gentle enough. Somehow in the past my massages were always Goldilocks. Too strong or too weak. He just nailed it, and while I appreciated his checking in with me several times to ensure I was comfortable, it was unnecessary because finally I've met a massage therapist who just instinctively gets it right the first time.

The facial... three-for-three. Best one I've had. Did it hurt? Hell yes, it hurt. Have you ever had one? They hurt. Man (or woman) up... you'll live. That being said, he minimized the discomfort as much as possible, and he got the job done. Afterwards, looking in the mirror, I was literally shocked at how much better my skin looked.

So... best scrub, best massage, best facial I've had. Complimentary cocktails. Charismatic, charming owner and employees. I left thinking to myself, "I have to start making more money so I can do this more often".

If that's not an ideal oasis in this challenging city, I welcome you to find me a place in this city more deserving of the comparison...

I felt compelled to write another review because this place continues to impress me every time I've stopped by. The staff continues to be courteous, never fail to ask how you are or if you need anything, and most important, they are sincere about it.

Got another signature massage yesterday, and it was worth every single dollar. They booked me with Stuart for this appointment, and he definitely knows what he's doing. I never realized how tight my lower body was until he worked out the knots. And my lower back feels much better too, he was able to loosen up the tight spots that have been bothering me recently.

Do stop by. Treat yourself.

I had been hearing about this place for a while from friends, so I decided to book a signature massage yesterday. Right when you walk through the door, warm greetings and smiles welcome you! The atmosphere is cozy, and the staff are attentive, and always ask how you're doing.

The signature massage is an absolute must. Everardo was able to work through the massive knots in my shoulders/upper back. I haven't had this much flexibility in that area in a long time, plus i found my posture was MUCH better afterward too.

I am DEFINITELY coming back. It's rare to find such an accommodating and warm place these days. You won't regret the experience, I promise!